From time to time, every Project Manager will find themselves managing difficult conversations. Because it is an important part of our role. But it’s one we’d rather not have. Then, of course, at the end of a hard day or week at work, you leave work. And again, you will have to face these types of conversation at home, with friends and in social situations.
We all know a difficult conversation as soon as it gets started – in fact, we mostly spot it in advance. This triggers adversarial or defensive reactions that just make things worse.
There are ways to plan and manage a difficult conversation to vastly increase the chances that it will go well. You want the other person will listen and participate constructively. You also want a good outcome. So, in this guide, I’ll offer you some practical techniques to give you confidence when you are managing difficult conversations.
We all know a difficult conversation as soon as it starts.
In fact, we mostly spot it in advance.
And that triggers an adversarial or defensive reaction which does nothing but make the conversation more difficult still.
We need to understand what makes conversations difficult, and find ways to manage them effectively. As with all things, if you prepare for it and follow a sound process, you give yourself the best chance of success.
This is the subject of Chapter 8 of my best-selling book, ‘How to Speak so People Listen’. Here, I offer you:
Strong emotions are the first thing that comes to mind in making conversation difficult. This is usually because we know that there are important consequences to getting it right or wrong. As a result, one particularly strong emotion can dominate: fear.
We fear the consequences: succeed or fail.
This also gives us another contributing factor: uncertainty. The high stakes and emotions of a difficult conversation make it hard to predict what will happen.
And there’s another common factor: baggage. We pick up emotional and interpretational baggage along our journeys. These conflict with other people’s baggage.
So, let’s summarize. Here are eight things that can lead to a difficult conversation:
Difficult conversations go wrong at two specific times:
Chose your time carefully. Hold your difficult conversation when:
If you put it off for too long, you could:
Your basic turf is home, away, or neutral territory. Let’s look at each.
Calling people to your desk, or into your office shifts the balance of power to your side. Often this shift will unbalance the conversation, and make it hard for the other person to relax, and respond productively.
Likewise, going to where the other person is comfortable will make it easy for them. If you have prepared well, and are confident, this can be a very positive gesture.
Often, your best approach will be to hold the meeting in a neutral place. The most common option is a meeting room. There, you can sit next to each other without the desk as a barrier. A god orientation is on two sides of a corner.
Also consider somewhere like a hotel lobby or coffee shop. But you do need to consider the implications of this choice within the culture you’re working in.
In complicated conversations, what often seem like our priorities should not be. These are things like:
Take time in your preparation to think about what your priority really is. And keep that at the forefront of your mind throughout your preparation, and then during your difficult conversation. Maybe your priority is:
Often, in the heat of your difficult conversation, it will be easy to forget just how much the relationship matters. If that happens, you can easily slip into dis-respectful language… or worse. And once that has happened, there may be no easy way back.
Before you enter into any difficult conversation, you need to know your range of acceptable outcomes. This should run from your ideal goal, down to your minimum acceptable outcome.
It’s vital to keep your goals realistic. If you set your expectations too high, it will make and already difficult conversation into a lost cause.
Take the long view of the issue you are dealing with. You will find managing difficult conversations easier if you prepare based on a sense of how things need to turn out in 6 months or maybe even 6 years. This will allow you to anticipate short-term problems and set-backs with equanimity.
Over the course of a long project management career, you’ll get them all: arguments, blame, denial, tears.
You can’t control the other person’s responses. But you can foresee them, and prepare for them emotionally. That way, when tey come, you’ll be able to deal with them effectively. We’ll look at controlling your own emotional responses later in this article.
Are you prepared for it?
How confident are you that you can deal with it well?
Learn more about our video training in dealing with conflict in projects by clicking the button.
Get started now!
Find out about conflict mangement training.
As with every challenging task, you’ll find managing difficult conversations easier if you have a clear process to follow.
This process will help you to:
The seven step process for a difficult conversation that I describe in ‘How to Speak so People Listen is:
A process is all very well – very useful, in fact. But for managing difficult conversations, what you also need are some practical tips.
A deep dialogue requires intent listening. Don’t worry about what you will say next – turn over your whole self to hearing what the other person says. If you find your mind wandering from your focus on them, bring it back.
When they stop speaking, you’ll need time to frame your response. Take the time you need. Be comfortable with silence
Adopt an attitude of curiosity. Be keen to learn what they think and how they feel about their own perceptions. Remember. You may not agree with the way they see things, but what is 100 per cent true is that this is their experience. Be respectful of that.
Acknowledge what you have hear, and also their courage in speaking their truth. Too often conflict escalates for the simple reason that we don’t think the other person has heard and valued what we have been saying.
‘You make a good point, but…’
See how that feels. But pretty much negates everything you’ve just said. Instead, try:
‘You make a good point, and…’
This quote – taken from the film Papillon – is one of my favorites. It’s a crucial thing to remember during a difficult conversation.
Bad news doesn’t keep. Don’t pretend you can diminish its impact with small talk. Get on and say what you need to say. Be clear and precise, without being blunt and brutal.
The hardest thing for most of us is nonetheless crucial: you need to stay in control of your emotional state.
If you need to, ask for breaks. This is not about hiding your feelings; it is about being able to follow the process, to play your part fully, and stay respectful to the other person.
Here are some tips:
If you start noticing yourself getting nervous, tense, or angry, try to focus on your breathing.
Pat attention to the air going into and out of your lungs. Feel it pass through your nose and down into your chest. Concentrate on breathing deeply, from your abdomen. This will distract your attention from the physical signs of emotion. So, it well help keep you calm and centered.
When you sit still, emotions get pent up, making you agitated. You start to fidget, and so betray a lack of confidence, annoyance, or upset.
Stand up. And walk around. Any movement will help to calm your emotional responses and activate the thinking part of your brain. If you are sitting at a table, you may worry about suddenly standing up. So, you might say something like:
‘I need a bit of a stretch some. Do you mind if I get up and walk abound a bit?’
Remind yourself that the discomfort you are feeling, and any lack of confidence is temporary. Or maybe that your uncertainty can be countered by certainty in your preparation and competence.
Repeating some simple phrases in your head can have abig impact. That’s why telling ourselves that things are going wrong, or we are useless can create such a big dip in your confidence.
Instead, try phrases like:
One way to dissipate a strong emotion is to analyze it. Give it a name. Think about what triggered it. Recognize it as a temporary guest.
If all else fails, suggest taking a break. If you are getting emotional, there’s a good chance the other person is too. So, they will probably welcome a break too.
If you need to, ask for a comfort break, or suggest getting a drink.
If I am absolutely honest (and why wouldn’t I be?), these attitudes to avoid reflect a difficult conversation from my past that went badly.
I came up with a list of fifteen things (and memory is not what it used to be). Here are just six – the ones that rang most true when I sat down to write this!
Have you had experience of managing difficult conversations? If you have, please share your thoughts with our community, below. We love hearing from you and will reply to every comment.
Are you prepared for it?
How confident are you that you can deal with it well?
Learn more about our video training in dealing with conflict in projects by clicking the button.
Get started now!
Find out about conflict mangement training.
Dr Mike Clayton is one of the most successful and in-demand project management trainers in the UK. He is author of 14 best-selling books, including four about project management. He is also a prolific blogger and contributor to ProjectManager.com and Project, the journal of the Association for Project Management. Between 1990 and 2002, Mike was a successful project manager, leading large project teams and delivering complex projects. In 2016, Mike launched OnlinePMCourses.
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